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5 Thoughts as Manchester United Begin Preseason

1. Lowering Expectations 


I am a very unhealthy person. My levels of unbridled optimism have driven even the most experienced therapist to question everything they believe in. And it’s around this time each season I open up paddy power, see Manchester United at 50/1 to win the league and think to myself why not? We could win the prem? Every season I look at our squad and think yeah these guys are good enough. That steak ends this year. We suck mega ass. Bruno is the only healthy, champions league level, in his prime, player we have. Casemiro is great but past his prime. Yoro, Amad, Mainoo are all amazing prospects but don’t yet have the experience. Cunha could be there but hadn’t played for a big team since Covid times. 

I am even beginning to question my demand that we finish top 4. Without European football this year that was originally my expectation but golly (and I don’t use that word lightly) GOLLY we are lacking in real quality. Even the players we are linked to fucking suck. Ndidi? Calvert Lewin? Bro come on did Ineos accidentally fire the entire scouting department and they’re too embarrassed to tell us??? Anyway as it stands I’ll be happy with staying up.


2. The New Boys


Cunha - great stats and I loved the Wolves team last year I thought they would do a lot better. I ended up watching them a lot and Cunha didn’t particularly stand out to me as far and away their best player. It worries me slightly to have spent so much on him. He just seems like the player we would buy and he completely flops. On the positive side: he can score goals which we are lacking a lot of, he is a cunt which we are also lacking (lacking on the pitch cunts that is), and we actually got the deal done quick. 


Diego Leon - already I love this guy. He reminds me of Valencia right away. His attitude is great I love that he said he expects to get in the team by the end of preseason, I love the video of him greeting the whole squad he seems like a freer teammate already, and I love the pics of him on the stadium tour. He’s only just signed and already I’ll do anything for this guy. He feels like an old school Fergie signing.


3. Gym Rats


You see those videos of Kobbie working out? Or that picture of Casemiro looking shredded? Or that other video of Lisandro using every piece of equipment in the gym? 

I honestly was thinking Casemiro was only going to play 20ish games this season that we would pace him and save him for big spots. But nah he looks ready to play all 38. And Kobbie? He didn’t look like much of a fit in the Amorim system at least not in those deeper roles but hey maybe we say fuck Brentford we don’t need Mbuemo give me a midfield 4 or Casemiro, Mainoo, Cunha, and Bruno. We might be cooking up something half decent.

And Licha doesn’t surprise me I’m the only dickhead left putting him in lineup builders for next season I will back that guy as long as he is here.


4. The Leavers


So far the only income we’ve got is from Newcastle buying Elanga from Forest. Not the best lads. The problem is everyone knows we got a pile of crap that needs off loading and apparently no one wants to pay much money said pile of crap. 

Juve are the only team daft enough to take Sancho but want us to take some of there useless shite in return. I’ll talk Vlahovic in the next section but I would take Douglas Luiz to get rid of Jadon. Luiz would probably fit better as an attacking mid than anything deeper but he was pretty good his last couple seasons at Villa. And Weah? He’s option 3 for sure. I’d take him over Sancho for sure but he’d be out 3rd choice RWB? Not great.

As for the others. Nico Williams gave us a boost by resigning now maybe Bayern and Barça will make a desperate bid for Rashford or Garnacho. Antony I would take back. I still think he’d do a job at wing back. Let Betis have him tho he seems happy there take whatever they can afford bro I just want to see something come in. Oh and as for Malacia if we get anything for him I’d be happy. 


5. The Striker situation.


I have too many thoughts on too many players so here is just a list in order of who I would like to see as our starting 9 most next season.

  1. Victor Osimhen - Best available but expensive 
  2. Dusan Vlahovic - Less expensive, less good, but honestly underrated I think. Only 25 and puts up decent numbers.
  3. Joshua Zirkzee - if we can’t find anyone better and we get Mbuemo Zirkzee can hold it down for a season.
  4. Moise Kean - he was so so good last season for a weird Fiorentina team buuuut it was only 1 good season. Every other year in his career has been a little disappointing.
  5. Ollie Watkins - a bit older than we might like and the fact he relies a lot on his pace scares me. But he is a proven good premier league level striker.


Do not touch: DCL, Vardy, Callum Wilson.

Too young too expensive: Sesko, Ekitike


Overall the first day of preseason has me all fucked up there’s 2 scenarios that can make me happy from here: sell all the dead wood, and/or bring in some non-dead wood. It’s pretty simple I’ll probably talk myself into this team no matter what and I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated wether you want that or not.

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